Monday's Muse

Simile: Choosing to believe in God is like choosing to love someone or choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone.

When you love someone, you don’t always feel love for them. The emotions that sprung up when you started to get to know them and when you realized you loved them, won’t always be there. At first, you always want to be with them, and as time goes on, you often want more of your space. It’s not that you love them less, but the initial emotions wear off. The newness has worn off.

            I think sometimes we love God like this. We love and think of him most when we see our lives coming together. When we close our eyes and feel the breeze, feel the sun beating down, or feel the coolness of a coming rain shower: we feel him in it. We feel him in the peace that shouldn’t be present during difficult or stressful times. But these feelings, emotions aren’t always there. They aren’t guaranteed. And usually, that’s when we question. Not necessarily doubt, but questions, concerns, comments. We like to know. I certainly do.

            Sometimes when we read the Bible and come across something we cannot fathom that a good God would do and we wonder how we can believe and love him despite that.

            But in life, we never love every single thing about someone. That’s unrealistic. We can say someone is “perfect” for us. They “fit.” But perfect is not perfect and fitting only goes so far. Not to be cynical, but it’s the truth.  Everyone will get on our nerves, frustrate, and aggravate us. Everyone will at some point. Everyone will do things we cannot believe they did.

            That’s where choice comes in. We love because one, we were drawn to the person, and two, we made the choice to always love them. We’re all a little ugly. We all do and say things we regret and are embarrassed about. If everyone strayed from their promise, their choice when life became difficult, we’d never follow through with anything and we’d be stuck on a slippery slope of broken promises. We’d be fickle: always looking for the easy way.

            Of course there are times I question God and the things I read. I question how the God I see as love and hope can also be jealous and vengeful, and sometimes I wonder about things I cannot even begin to understand or make sense of. But no matter how much I discuss or seek answers to some of my difficult questions, I most likely will never get an answer or at least an answer that satisfies me. Instead, I may end up more confused.

            Searching, understanding, and knowing what you believe and why is beyond important and admirable. We should never just accept what we hear blindly.

            I guess what I’m trying to say is that some days I don’t feel or see God. I see the world, pain, and disaster and I wonder why it is this way. I don’t understand how people can be so full of hate.

            But I made a choice. A choice to trust in hope, love, and faith. Because without it all, what is the point of any of it? I’d rather live dangerously and trust in hope than have no hope at all.

How do you move forward after living a dream?

How do you move forward from a season of your life that was invaluable, influential, and beyond what you ever imagined? How do you form a new dream after having one fulfilled and how do you even begin to find a new dream?

Those are questions I’ve asked myself for the past year. It’s been almost a year since I came home from my time in England, and ever since I’ve felt in limbo: unsure how to adapt and be the changed person I am in a different environment.

Because the truth is, whenever you experience something life changing, it literally is that and sometimes going back to where you were before seems like a digression, it seems mundane, boring, and stifling. A part of yourself is missing and you feel it clawing on the inside, tired of being unused.

For months I’ve searched for the answers and I’ve come up empty. On the surface, I’ve moved on. I’m in graduate school, pursuing my Master’s degree in English and getting Teaching Writing and Teaching Literature certificates. I have a new job that pays for my tuition (!!!). I am in a new season of life, and I have no doubt I am in the place I’m supposed to be. I’m doing different and often incredibly challenging things. I’ve pushed myself and felt the weight of stress heavier than I ever have before. It’s exhausting, and I have to remind myself daily why I’m doing what I am. Honestly, sometimes I’m not really sure, but there are glimpses now and then, and that’s enough.

I’ve felt out of place and like I’m continually trying to find my place. I have felt God strip me of so many things from friends to church, but he’s steered me and is steering me toward new ones. Letting go of what’s comfortable can be one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes we have to let go of the old things to embrace the new things.  I don’t know where to go from here or what God has in store next. It’s literally a dark tunnel that I currently don’t see any light out of. But while it may be scary, I see it as possibilities. There are so many directions life can take us. The way I see it, it’s better to be excited for the mystery ahead instead of stressed over what you can’t control.  

The past couple of months, God’s shown me some things that I knew or thought I knew, but needed reminded of. I’ve learned that we need to be grateful in every season because not every season is as fun or exciting as the last, but that doesn’t diminish its worth. Just as I couldn’t have told you everything and still can’t imagine everything I learned those 9 months in England, I can’t even begin to fathom what this season of graduate school is going to bring about. Even though the future seems incredibly unknown, I don’t always feel exactly myself, and I often wonder what my new dream is, I’m learning to embrace my place and grow where I’m planted.

Every season has a purpose, every season brings new life and gives life, but I’ve found that when I spend my time reminiscing and feeling nostalgic about the past, I lose sight of the present where some pretty great things are happening. Maybe their greatness doesn’t seem so great in light of other experiences, but if we don’t cultivate ourselves where we are, trim the dead limbs and nourish the sprouting ones, we’ll never grow and never reach our full potential.

It’s like plants that seem to go dormant in the winter. They don’t look like they’re doing anything and they look dried up, withered, and ugly. But when spring comes, they bloom again and they grow bigger, fuller, and lovelier than the previous year.

Letting go of what’s past and focusing on what is ahead can be a hard lesson to learn. It’s difficult to let go. It’s difficult to trust when you can’t see ahead of you. And it’s certainly difficult to press forward when you don’t know what you’re heading toward. But it’s worth it. We just have to trust that these times refine, polish, and grow us in ways we never imagined. The happy times aren’t the times that shape us. It’s the difficult, the trials, the maybe not so fun times that shape us into the people we really want to be.

“There are far, far greater things ahead than any we leave behind.” - C. S. Lewis

 “Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 MSG

Some books that have helped me and reminded me of truths the past couple of months:

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Unstoppable by Christine Caine

Jumps Around the World

Every English major knows at the end of the semester, you’re most likely going to have to write a retrospective essay about what you’ve learned over the semester and all those wonderful things. Those essays can be things to sigh about, but they always got me to sit and think about what I learned and how I’d progressed.

So that’s what this blog is. It’s my retrospective. I’m calling it: Jumps Around the World (I’m not committed to that title).

Before I get into that though, you’re probably wondering why I’m doing a retrospective now because I signed up to be here until August. But let me say that God knows better than we do, and there are many circumstances that have led to me coming home earlier. One being that the CreativeLab is ending, and two, in June I’m starting the English MA program at IUPUI.

This week is my last full week in the UK, and it’s over halfway over. I’m heading home in a week and it is absolutely perfect timing. God knows me better than I do and I’m ever so grateful for that.

The very first month (week for that matter) I was here, the team went to Northern Ireland. Maybe you’ll remember. I blogged about it. (It’s spiffy.) You should check it out. Anyway, on that trip, I did a jumping picture at Giant’s Causeway and from there I decided to take a jumping picture at every place I went. Wales, unfortunately, I think the picture didn’t turn out, so I’m standing instead. Just imagine me jumping. Sorry, Wales.

Northern Ireland

Giant's Causeway & Carrick-a-Rede 

Durres, Albania

Adriatic Sea 

Rome, Italy

Coliseum 

Kinsale, Ireland

Charles Fort

Grasmere, England

The Lake District

Cardiff, Wales

#Fail

England

The Roaches

Nottingham, England

Sherwood Forest

Edinburgh, Scotland

Calton Hill

Paris, France

Eiffel Tower & The Lourve

Amsterdam, Netherlands

As I sit at my desk on the broadcast floor of UCB, I don’t even know where to begin to describe my time here. It’s definitely bittersweet leaving. I didn’t get to go away to college and live away from home and with other people, but coming here I did. It’s so neat to see that I got to experience a bit of that when I didn’t in college. I know many of the relationships I’ve built here will last forever.

So many memories come to mind and many inside jokes and laughs. Coming to the CreativeLab was a dream come true. How many people can say they got to live in another country, anyway? England has always been my favorite country (besides America of course), and I love that it has remained so to me even after being here for nine months. Sometimes when we go places we think we’ll love, they don’t turn out to be what we expect. But England remains my favorite and London remains my absolute favorite city. I love the rolling, lush green hills and the pastures of sheep and little lambs in the spring and the blooming rapeseed. I love the history and buildings so old you cannot even fathom it with cafes and shops in them. I love Big Ben and the Eye and Tower Bridge. I love tea and Sunday roasts and curry and naan bread. (I even love double mini roundabouts because what does it mean?!)

I don’t remember what or if I expected anything in particular when I got here. It’s definitely been a journey of ups and downs. It’s been really hard at times and some days I’ve wanted to hop on a plane and go home. Sometimes I wondered why I was here and if what I was doing really even mattered. But when we’re in a season, we don’t have the luxury to look back and say, that’s why I’m here. There may be moments, but even now, I’m not really sure.

There are so many things I’ve gotten to be a part of, UCB’s Word 4U 2Day, multiple graphic design projects, building a website, and writing lots of articles and copy for various things, including a Bible App for Kids Book of Hope. I’ve learned about videography and photography. I’ve helped out at conferences. I learned how I like to enjoy and explore a new city. I feel more cultured and comfortable with traveling and hopping on trains, flights, buses, and bicycles in some cases. I think I always knew I would get to the places I’ve always dreamed of going (I’m pretty optimistic), but even so, it was so surreal. Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Belfast, Edinburgh, Oxford, Cambridge… the list goes on and on. I’ve gotten to experience many cities and see many historical sights. But those things would never be as great as they were if they weren’t experienced with wonderful people who I will miss every day, but who I refuse to say goodbye to because it’s not the end.

Here is a few pictures that I think show some highlights from my time here or they just make me smile. I have well over a thousand photos from being here and I'd love to show you each and every one, but sadly that would take a long time. 

 Left to right: me, Krista, Sam, Katie, and Darbi at C. S. Lewis' home in Oxford

 The team at Carrick-a-Rede in Northern Ireland. From one of my favorite CreativeLab trips.

 At The Eagle and Child in Oxford, the pub C. S. Lewis and Tolkien frequented.

 Sam, Darbi, and Krista fighting over a bench in Stratford-upon-Avon. I love these guys.

 Gelato in Rome! Gelato changed my life.

This is from my first trip with the CreativeLab. From left to right, Chad, Darbi, Bethany, me, Devan, and Sammy. Bethany and Devan allowed Darbi and I to stay with us while we were there. They'll forever be my Irish family.

I love this picture because it shows Sam and I's relationship to a T. Just before the picture was taken I think he put something on my head/hair.

 We played a "who can buy the best thing with 1 pound in a market" game. I won. I got those dog figurines completely for free.

An amazing library in Birmingham.

 Meeting my favorite animal in Chester. Franz if a boy and Penelope if a girl.

Alex got to come visit me! This is taken in London. I absolutely love this picture.

 This statue is near where the author of Sherlock Holmes was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.

We met Robin Hood at Nottingham Castle. 

Oh you know. Just a photo with the bobbies.

Darbi and I waited outside in the rain to go into the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam.

And lastly, here's a photo of me at the Tower of London with a guard. I have to say, this was extremely awkward to take. Most of the time I do not like feeling like a tourist, so this made me feel very much like a tourist.  

I really don't know how to sum up my time here, besides just like anything in life there were ups and downs and great moments that I never want to forget. It's hard to say goodbye to my lovely friends here, but I know we'll be friends forever no matter where life takes us. I'm so grateful for the memories I've made while here, and I know this experience has helped shape me into the person I am today and will continue to grow into.

Thank you to everyone has supported me. I truly appreciate every single one of you.