How do you move forward after living a dream?

How do you move forward from a season of your life that was invaluable, influential, and beyond what you ever imagined? How do you form a new dream after having one fulfilled and how do you even begin to find a new dream?

Those are questions I’ve asked myself for the past year. It’s been almost a year since I came home from my time in England, and ever since I’ve felt in limbo: unsure how to adapt and be the changed person I am in a different environment.

Because the truth is, whenever you experience something life changing, it literally is that and sometimes going back to where you were before seems like a digression, it seems mundane, boring, and stifling. A part of yourself is missing and you feel it clawing on the inside, tired of being unused.

For months I’ve searched for the answers and I’ve come up empty. On the surface, I’ve moved on. I’m in graduate school, pursuing my Master’s degree in English and getting Teaching Writing and Teaching Literature certificates. I have a new job that pays for my tuition (!!!). I am in a new season of life, and I have no doubt I am in the place I’m supposed to be. I’m doing different and often incredibly challenging things. I’ve pushed myself and felt the weight of stress heavier than I ever have before. It’s exhausting, and I have to remind myself daily why I’m doing what I am. Honestly, sometimes I’m not really sure, but there are glimpses now and then, and that’s enough.

I’ve felt out of place and like I’m continually trying to find my place. I have felt God strip me of so many things from friends to church, but he’s steered me and is steering me toward new ones. Letting go of what’s comfortable can be one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes we have to let go of the old things to embrace the new things.  I don’t know where to go from here or what God has in store next. It’s literally a dark tunnel that I currently don’t see any light out of. But while it may be scary, I see it as possibilities. There are so many directions life can take us. The way I see it, it’s better to be excited for the mystery ahead instead of stressed over what you can’t control.  

The past couple of months, God’s shown me some things that I knew or thought I knew, but needed reminded of. I’ve learned that we need to be grateful in every season because not every season is as fun or exciting as the last, but that doesn’t diminish its worth. Just as I couldn’t have told you everything and still can’t imagine everything I learned those 9 months in England, I can’t even begin to fathom what this season of graduate school is going to bring about. Even though the future seems incredibly unknown, I don’t always feel exactly myself, and I often wonder what my new dream is, I’m learning to embrace my place and grow where I’m planted.

Every season has a purpose, every season brings new life and gives life, but I’ve found that when I spend my time reminiscing and feeling nostalgic about the past, I lose sight of the present where some pretty great things are happening. Maybe their greatness doesn’t seem so great in light of other experiences, but if we don’t cultivate ourselves where we are, trim the dead limbs and nourish the sprouting ones, we’ll never grow and never reach our full potential.

It’s like plants that seem to go dormant in the winter. They don’t look like they’re doing anything and they look dried up, withered, and ugly. But when spring comes, they bloom again and they grow bigger, fuller, and lovelier than the previous year.

Letting go of what’s past and focusing on what is ahead can be a hard lesson to learn. It’s difficult to let go. It’s difficult to trust when you can’t see ahead of you. And it’s certainly difficult to press forward when you don’t know what you’re heading toward. But it’s worth it. We just have to trust that these times refine, polish, and grow us in ways we never imagined. The happy times aren’t the times that shape us. It’s the difficult, the trials, the maybe not so fun times that shape us into the people we really want to be.

“There are far, far greater things ahead than any we leave behind.” - C. S. Lewis

 “Dear, dear Corinthians, I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 MSG

Some books that have helped me and reminded me of truths the past couple of months:

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Unstoppable by Christine Caine