Happy January!
I'm going to be bluntly honest today. I'm always honest, but I today I want to talk about something that I feel like a lot of people don't think about or notice. It was harder to come back here than it was to leave in
August. I’m very family oriented and being away from them is harder than
anything I’ve ever had to do to date. The past couple of months I honestly
didn’t know how I would make it from January to August. It would’ve been nearly
seven months away from home. I talked to God about it and just poured my heart
out to him, and as it turns out, I’ll be going home sooner than originally
planned. I’m not 100% sure when yet, but it’ll be at least two months sooner. I
love how God already has all the details sorted out way before we do.
To some people it may seem silly that I miss home so much.
Maybe they’ll think I’m just scared to be on my own or that I’m a “mommy’s
girl.” But it’s so much more than that. I know there are people who
occasionally miss home, but they’re okay with living far from home. That’s just
not the case with me, and I truly believe God built me this way for a reason.
Until I came here, I didn’t realize how important it was for me to just be
there for my family. One of the hardest challenges for me has been learning
that I can’t always be there. I think that’s something I’ll always be reminding
myself. But as I said, I believe God designed me with the disire to always be
close with my family. It’s just how I function.
I know many of you have followed my journey here and even
beforehand, and it really encourages me that there are people who pay attention
to this blog and are excited for me. But I also want people to know that while
my blog is usually full of adventures and excitement, that it’s been hard being
here too. Many times I’ve lied awake at night and just longed to be home. I’ve
poured out my heart and tears to God because he’s really the only one who can
comfort me through it. If I didn’t know without a doubt God wanted me here, I
wouldn’t make it.
Some days I truly wonder why I am here and what purpose it’s
serving. Even when you believe you’re where you’re supposed to be, it can be
easy to feel discouraged or exhausted because you don’t see the big picture.
Sure I’ve done quite a few things while here, but we don’t get to be outside of
the Christian bubble very often, which has been difficult for me. I guess what
I’m trying to say is, before I came here, I guess I always thought that when
you knew you were exactly where God wanted you and were on some big adventure,
everything would just be simpler or fulfilling all the time. But it’s not. It
can be just as hard as when you feel like you don’t have direction.
Life is always evolving. I don’t think we’ll ever be in a place
where everything is “peachy.” It’s just not realistic. But no matter what,
we’re not alone through it. Kari Jobe’s song “I Am Not Alone” has really helped
me at times the past few months. This is my favorite portion:
You will go before me
You will never leave me
It comforts me. It reminds me that no matter what I feel
like, God goes before me and won’t leave me. Have you ever asked God for
something or to do something and been completely amazed or in awe when it
happens? I had and hadn’t until a couple months ago. I don’t know what changed,
but the past couple of months I’ve just been in awe whenever God answers a
prayer or does something for me.
One night I was
trying to sleep and I just couldn’t fall asleep and I asked that I would fall
asleep and no matter the amount of sleep I got that I would feel rested and
ready for the day when I woke up. I pray along those lines literally every
night, but I think sometimes I just say them out of habit. But that night I
truly meant it and when I woke up, I felt so refreshed and awake that I was in
awe. It was so simple, but it meant so much. I think we need to be in more awe
of what God does for us. Sometimes I think we just expect it or get used to it
or we don’t take the time to let it sink in.
I can’t begin to list all the little things I’ve asked God
for that he’s given me. And it doesn’t always make sense that he would even pay
attention to me most of the time. I mean, I don’t spend as much time with him
as I should or I don’t do X, Y and Z enough, but nevertheless, he’s there just
the same. The sweetness of that is hard for me to wrap my head around. If I
could challenge you to do one thing today, it would be to thank God for always
being there, and to think back to what he’s done for you and let yourself be
amazed by it.
So there’s a little blog for you. I’m sure it’s full of
rambling, as I tend to do that when I’m given a keyboard and the opportunity to
spout out my thoughts. What I really want you to think about is that everyone
is going through something at pretty much every point in their life. We’re
always growing, changing, and evolving. And even if 90% of life is going right,
there’s always going to be that little 10% that isn’t or doesn't make sense. But even so, and even if
it sounds cliché, God will be there in the middle of it all. For me, it’s truly
amazing and freeing when I finally sit down and tell God everything I’m
thinking and when I feel an answer or him speaking to me, it’s so beautiful. It
makes me stand in awe and reminds me how I want to live in awe of Him every
day.
